i wont be a victim

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 18:35:09 GMT

WELL, anything good i had goin for me, is....gone. Lost bob. Matt is clearly no longer intersted :( im not doing so well in that school department. i do my work, sometimes i dont turn it in on time, or i dont finish all of it.

in a way, im happy. but when i think about the things i want and cant have because of stupid reason, that ususally i bring on myself, i get pissed off and dont want to do anything but sit in my bed and watch tv.

bah.

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 17:59:40 GMT

i've got some major issues. and i dont care who reads this because i love bob with ever little bit of my being. why you may ask, well i seriously couldnt tell you. how could you love someone you cant trust? its quite stupid. he used to sit at home and not really hang out with anyone unless it was matt, irwin, or mark. and now all of a sudden he has a life or something and hangs out with zoe or whatever. i dont even know the situation and i guess its better that i dont? but hes not just a nice guy. he doesnt just give ride out like candy. and giving some girl a ride to the doctor isnt like him. but its not like he hid it, so i dont know what to believe. but then i guess what really gets me. is that im 800 some miles away. he said he wouldnt cheat on me, but how can you not cheat on a girlfriend you dont even feel you have. he doesnt have a relationship with me. he got back together for me? i dont even know why. i was doing ok without him. i was trying to get over him. and i was succeeding little by little. what happened to the new strong jackie? well, she crumbled. it wasnt hard. throw something shes extremely vulnerable about in front of her and she crumbles. im just the same old me again. the person people dont like. the one who smothers her boyfriends. 200 miles was bad enough, 800 is absolutly horrible.

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 15:18:05 GMT

lalala! im happier today. i realized something. whining doesnt help lol. i dont know it just wasnt my day and i took it out on matt...and i feel bad, and now hes not talking to me. i could call him but im afraid hes out doing stuff lol. im suuch a wimp. i doubt hed be mad if i called him. lol i dont call him all the time.

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 19:42:26 GMT

im in love with someone i can never have and its SOOO fucking aggrivating! why do i do this to myself? i sit here hurt and confused. i dont know what to do. cant exaclty fall out of love, it doesnt work that way. i wish it did, but it just doesnt

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 19:45:39 GMT

today im like not gunna be on the computer at all. im gunnna let my brother on all day and im gunna clean and do stuff that needs to be done. then maybe tonight i'll catch matt online. i had the weirdest dream last night. matt was like 7 feet tall and looked weird. lol. i have a wrinkly dog who fell in the river. and my brother was wearing a suite. and my mom was there too, but there wasnt anything odd about her. matt like lived with some people and i hung out in his room and stuff and he had plants growing in his window, which creeped me out lol. my mom, matt, my brother and i all went to an ice cream palor. we had to take a ferry there and my dog and james fell over board. so i went into this REALLY gross public bathroom and dried off my dog. james like magiclly dried off. then we went and ate ice cream lol. thats it. it was just odd.

i guess thats all i have to say. my mom leaves tonight for california. she has a job interview tomorrow. and like i said, hopefully i'll catch matt on the computer tonight. then tomorrow sara is coming over since im moving on the day of her birthday. then saturday im going to my dads either until monday or early tuesday. i have a hair appointment at like 4ish on tuesday. then i think the 10th we MIGHT go to rockfest. i dont see that happening though. then wednesday threw friday night is clear lol. then friday night i hang out with bob, until sunday morning-ish i guess. then i think that whole next week we're gunna be packing. then saturday the 20th we're moving. we have to fucking drive down there. that is going to suck ASS!!!!!!

i feel bad about this whole matt thing. i feel like im annoying the crap out of him. :( i dont mean to. i also get sad when i hear a british guy on tv. i was watching Darmah and Greg, or however you spell her name lol, last night and there was some british guy on it, and i felt bad about all the crap that went on with my and rich. im a bad person. i need to change my ways.

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 11:06:12 GMT

well. i love my rat SO damn much! lol. i never want to leave him alone! so i think i might take Ben camping with us this weekend. lol. im not sure. but i think it'd be a bad idea to leave him alone in a house full of cats all weekend. lol. so ben is going camping lol. im gunna try to get pictures lol. but i dont know if i'll be able to since the digital camera is being stupid.

i started talking to my cousin...well ex step cousin, Lisa. she lives in new hampshie and such. i havnt talked to her since like.....the early 90s? lol shes changed A LOT! its cool lol

i've been talking to matt a lot. i wish he would come see me. lol im gunna try to get him down to my new home for my birthday. that would be way cool. lol. i do like him a lot but im afraid of liking him. i dont know. im just yanno. a little carefull now i guess. i dont really trust what people say now. i cant tell if they acctually really like me or just want sex. im scared of like matt. lol how sad.

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 23:46:27 GMT

this is my baby ben! hes a hairless rat. hes so fucking cute! hes a baby! i had jason come with me to get him because im not 18 so i cant buy pets. so yeh. lol he comforted me about bob then bought my ben for me. im really happy with ben. i love him.

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 23:52:10 GMT

bob and i are done. im really sad, but i know it was for the best. im gunna miss him so much.

hurtmetodeath: i'll miss you. i love you. thank you for everything you gave me.

Dorfeater: ... :-( sincerely, you will find someone to treat you right eventually... bye

i want to die

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 13:02:59 GMT

bob and i arnt gunna last. im really sad. he cant even tell me if he loves me. im afraid that everything he ever said was a lie. i hate my love life. i always end up hurting.

i am blank

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 08:28:43 GMT

so its weird. when i dont talk to bob i have no emotion. its like i walk around, not happy, not sad, just...blank. i guess its not a bad feeling. its better than being sad, and when im like this i dont seem to miss him as much. so i guess its good for both of us, im not whinning because i miss him and hes not irratated at me for whinning lol.

im a little scared for our relationship. im sure things will be fine, but its just weird how it kinda seems like he doesnt want to see me. he said he'll see me at least once more before either i move to san jose or he leaves for iraq. but why cant it be more? i dont know. i guess im just worried because november is approching very fast it seems like. i mean july is almost over already! just scary stuff yanno.

mary is in town! which is cool! friday im spose to go to her boyfriends house with her and sara, the only problem i think i'll have is either being kinda left out because her and sara are best friends and all OR i'll get to hear her and jonathan having sex, which will just make me jealous lol. i miss sex. i hope sara doesnt bring julian. if that happens, im just gunna go home lol. because then i'll be with 2 couples and AUGH i dont think i can handle another emo episode like sunday. i mean i like julian, and hes nice to sara and makes her happy and she needs that, but does everyone have to be happy and kissy around me? i think not lol. oh wow. i've become bitter. i need to snap out of this fast! lol

i might return my shoes today too. which makes me kinda sad, but they dont fit! what am i spose to do? wear them small and hurt my feet? lol i think not.

im such a sissy! lol i want a tan SOO bad, but im a wimp and wont go out in the heat! lol. im mean how pathetic! lol well i guess the other reason is that im not totally confident with myself, and there are SO many people around all the time and all the weirdos like to sit on their porches and watch you, which isnt cool lol.

im also kinda lonely online. no one is ever on and the one person i can usually count on to talk to isnt really all there because hes doing infantry training in michigan or something. i wasnt to clear on where he said he was going. he comes home the 23rd i think, or hope lol. i want someone to talk to while bobs playing everquest and not answering my ims and i have nothing else better to do than to sit here on my ass.

well im out. im bored. lol i'll prolly sit on the forums on facethejury. lol they're always fun :)

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 05:53:36 GMT

so i talked to bob alot. but since i made him stay on the phone for almost 2 hours, hes not calling me today. which makes me really sad, but oh well i guess. theres a lot of stuff we talked about. i want the title of being his wife and he doesnt want to give it to me, until later. im mad because the woman who gets that title, there is no like love between them, friend love yes, but i think i deserve it. and he doesnt want to give it to me because he doesnt think we'll make it through iraq. which is bull, and he said to prove him wrong. he also said that he wont break up with me because he said he wouldnt...WHAT IS THAT! i guess thats good, but i dont want to be with someone who is only with me because he has to be. but its really confusing because he says he wants to be with me. i dont know. and i cant see him for a long time, and thats driving me nuts. i dont know exactly when i get to see him. and im afraid im gunna move before he gets the chance to see me again. he said he would come see me this weekend but not to bitch when his phone got shut off. then i was like i guess thats fair, but he was only being sarcastic. soooooo no bob this weekend :( im sad.

well yesterday i went to the mall with sara and her 'boyfriend' julian. and she was like oh we wont kiss or PDA, and you wont be a 3rd wheel. and for the begining it was fine, but then they kept kissing and ignoring me more and more until i finally got fed up and put my music on. then i said i was gunna go home and they went with me. i dont even know why. they didnt talk to me and i had my music on. but IF sara reads this, im not mad. it was fine, just made me miss bob thats all.

anyways! i think like tuesday im gunna take my shoes back. they dont have them in 10s and the 9s hurt my feet really bad :( so either i'll get my money back or i'll get something there. :) yah sooo anyways! i am gunna go! buh bye!

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 02:55:29 GMT

im just a silly little girl. :(

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 10:28:04 GMT

oh dear, im starting to get emo and sad and really miss bob again. this is crappy. its only been a week and i was doing so well!! i kinda miss talking to matt too...i havnt talked to him in like a week. hes doing training stuff and im scared hes gunna go to iraq too :(

anyways! i got 2 new shirts today, one i have to take back and get another size. i got the same sized shoes! lol although my right foot is still a bit cramped...its fine. lol. i had sushi today with my mom and we went and had ice cream at cold stone....yummy yummy! today im going to the mall lol AGAIN! 3rd day in a row, but whatever i need to get out of the house lol. yesh. anyways! im off to bed! buh bye!

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 09:53:21 GMT

i burnt myself with hot butter and i have a blister where i got burnt, and yeh....it itches and hurts lol. today i was spose to be going to the japanese gardens with my friend dustin but i havnt been able to get ahold of him so OH WELL i guess!

yeh. so today i hung out with jon...it was ok. kinda boring and he was a little annoying, but meh. it would have been better if it had been me, kayla and him. not just me and him. so when he got to my house we went to hilsboro on the max to give my mom her glasses. she took us to her work and then took us home. then his dad called after a few minutes of us talking. he tried to get his dad to let him stay til 9 which i honestly didnt really want. but that failed and he went home shortly after that.

then thomas and i went swimming for a good hour. it was fun. im more fun i guess in a pool lol. i think bob and i should go swimming, we'd have something to do and i make the pool interesting lol. then....i think i can back and showered, talked to jason, then bob beeped in, talked to him for a while lol, then he hung up, talked to jason again. he claims hes done with sarah, which..eh yeh right. she fucked seth 2 times....and she admited to it, but i know hes gunna be like oh she didnt mean it, blah blah, same shit, different day. i told him!? she cheated on seth with him, what makes him think that she loves him SO much more and not cheat on him!! bah! damn people. then i was talking to him and someone beeped in and i made the mistake of answering it. it was a man with a THICK accent wanting me to take a survey on fast food restruants. so i did lol. i know they dont get a lot of OH SURE!!! I'D LOVE TO SIT ON THE PHONE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOR 20 MINUTES!!! so i humored him lol. then...i dont really know lol.

i decided i want to go to the mall and walk on the water front tomorrow. soo thats what im gunna do! lol. i dont want to spend the money i have, but meh, i'll always get more lol. i was gunna save it so i can like take a trip up to see bob, and he wouldnt have to drive down here and get me, yanno make it easy on him, but i can always hassle my grandparents or something for money lol.

WELL i think i am off! i love you all! im happy and that makes me happy!! lol lets see how long this lasts!! :)

i want sex. i want sex from bob. i want sex like last time where he bit me so hard he left little puncture wounds on my collar bone area from his K9 teeth, and bit my lip so hard it almost bled. mhm, i want that again. *drools* oh yes i want that now. :)

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 09:23:40 GMT

so im happy. i talked to bob about some stuff, and though i learned something that bugs me very much, but im not stressing about it just yet. so heres what i wrote to him to wake up to in the morning :)

---->hurtmetodeath: i love you. im sorry im a nut, im gunna try and stop putting pressure on you. you dont deserveme making you feel like crap because of your job. i'll see you when its affordable, and conveniant for both us. :-)

---->hurtmetodeath: the ONE thing thats bothering me though is how you said it doesnt seem like we're even together....bugs me a bit, which i can understand just the same, but is that how you're going to feel while in iraq? dont worry though, im not freaking out over it. unless i should lol which i think i dont have to...we'll talk about it tomorrow...hopefully im as sane tomorrow as i am right now lol :-) again, i love you! have a fun time standing on your feet tomorrow, and looking nice for no reason, and having all the stuff looked at :-)

and so ok. i have decided to keep myself busy and hang out with friends lol. tomorrow i think my best friend jon is coming over, and spending the night just because he lives in washington. and then at some point im gunna hang out with my friend dustin who i've been blowing off since the dawn of time. sadness i know. then i promised my friend Ron to hang out with him at some point lol. anyone else who wants to hang out with me.....TELL ME! i need to keep my mind busy!

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 09:47:00 GMT

ugh not a good day! im so mad right now. and i hate this throat thing! the reason im mad is that because i was on the phone with bob for less than 5 minutes and his phone died....usually he plugs it in so he can talk to me, but for some reason hes like 'my phones dying. i'll talk to you tomorrow, or if you're online later' it was a big kick in the face because he knows how i look forward to talking to him. i sit and wait for him to call for crying out loud! and especially when im sad as it is because i want to see him, but god. im so mad. i hate everything negative about him! its really worrying me. i want to stop! i want it to be how it used to be. he says his love for me hasnt changed, so why doesnt he ever show it?

then the throat thing. i discovered white things on my throat, so i woke up my mom because i was freaked out. i've never had anything like this before so i was scared. well i started crying and my mom got mad at me! and i told bob today and he called me a loser. its really bugging me. but heres a picture of my throat. you can see how swollen my gland is...and i circled the white spots.

funified ness

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 05:36:13 GMT

tomorrow/today i am going to the zoo with sara and andrea, it better be fun! lol

i ended up going to the doctor and i have neither strep or mono, which is good, but stupid because they dont know whats wrong with me. they are making me take childrens motron lol. it works pretty well. i can finally swallow!!!! yay!! lol. they had to take blood for the mono test. as soon as i heard that i felt life drain out of me. i havnt had blood taken since i was way little. my mom laughed at me the whole time. she said my face was priceless. although they stuck me in the left arm, and i gave them some blood, but when the lady went to take a second sample or whatever...i just stopped giving it lol. it was funnt because shes like...uhm...it just..stopped! it was funny, until she poked my other arm lol. i seriously almost passed out. i was light headed and nausious. lol

after all that, we went to albertsons to get my medicine and i hadnt eaten since i had been with bob so i was STARVING! my mom got me grapes, pears, nectarines, and bananas! lol. and soup that i already ate. it was ok lol. i had a pear and a lot of grapes and a nectarine. and at one point my brother came in my room to tell me he was going up to 711 to get a free slurpee because it was free slurpee day. i asked him to get me one. it was yummy :) i want another :) but i can not :( oooh well

i talked to bob for like 10 minutes MAYBE today. its hard. but i guess its for the best. i dont want him to get sick of me and i dont want to be clingy. i feel like crap right now though because i want to be with him and i know he doesnt really want me around. its a crappy feeling, but i guess i should get used to it and stop being so damned touchy and taking everything so personally. like i feel like i dont do it for him anymore, because we like used to have sex all the time..and now its like...not so much. its just weird and he says its not me, hes just been really tired, but whatever. i still feel like its me and i feel like hes been avoiding me. he also says he doesnt know how to show he loves me but he doesnt know how to show it all that well. he says all he can do is tell me. well thats not REALLY true. he could kiss and hug me and stuff like he used to, but, he doesnt and its sad. but i guess i'll get over it? i dont know. i think its just me really. i really emotional at the moment and i cry about everything. it could be because i dont feel loved, but i dont know. we'll see how things go. and i dont want to make him think he makes me sad, because he doesnt. he makes me happy and laugh a lot. i just have stupid problems. and i bottle things up inside and i let them get to me. he asked me why i do that. and i guess its because when i was with jason he never acted like he was listening, and never really responded to me. just grunted. and since i dealt with that for more than a year, im just so used to letting things get to me and not say anything. and now that im with someone who acctually wants to hear what i have to say, its just hard to open up. when i expressed my feelings with jason he told me to quit bitching and get mad.

but im done ranting for today lol. hopefully tomorrows entry will be happy! happy and i hope i will have stuff to talk about with bob. lol i never do when i just sit around lol. well anyways! yah im gone! buh bye!

aw crap, my throats going to explode

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 12:30:16 GMT

my first entry and im going to complain lol

so i feel like shit. i've had this swollen gland shit for like 4 days and its getting worse and my mom wont take me to the doctor, even though she said she would if i still had it when i got home. i fell asleep around like 1ish last night and woke up around 2ish because it hurt so bad to swallow. i've been up ever since. i want the pain to go away.

i really miss bob. its sad. i was with him for a week, so, you would think it'd be all ok now, but its not. i miss sleeping with him, and being bored with him. i hate being home. its a lot more boring. at least at his house i had someone i love more than anything in the world to be bored with. yesterday was a kinda chilly goodbye. i felt like he was like jeezus just get the fuck out of my car so i can go home. we sorted all the problems that i had out. but it still feels like he doesnt love me as much as he used to. it sucks. he says that nothing has changed and he feels the same about me but i dont feel it. i felt ignored a lot of the time there. he'd log into EQ like he said he wouldnt do everyday and sit there and then do something on there that takes like 2 hours and i'd just sit there, with his back to me, and watch, get bored and fall asleep. i love him so much, but its annoying. neither of us could come up with anything to do. cept watch movies, or go to movies. it was quite stupid.

i know it sounds like i had a horrible time there, but i didnt lol. i had fun like the first weekend i was there, then the rest of the time was kinda slow and boring and i felt like i wasnt really wanted. he told me that he was getting sick of me, but then he also told me that just laying on his bed with me made him happy. so im confused. he said he felt trapped. he said we need to take baby steps to me acctually staying with him. but i want to spend all the time i can with him before he leaves, but he isnt really helping out with that. i could have prolly stayed like another week there, but he wanted to take me home and said i HAD to go home. it just bugs me. i miss him and the thing that REALLY gets to me is that i dont know for sure when i get to see him again. i MIGHT be able to see him august 5th- 7th, but i dont know that for sure because he might still be in yakima doing training. that is the time where i wont get to talk to him for a whole week. that is going to drive me up a wall.

so its not just bob stuff thats bugging me lol. its also how my mom demands that i clean up other peoples messes as soon as she walks in the door. i got home before her yesterday, she went to pick up my brother, and as soon as she walked in she said that the bathroom stinks, well im sorry. is it my fault that no one cleaned it out when i was gone? am i your personal slave again? it bugs the crap out of me that i have to do all the cleaning around here. i do the kitchen and vacuum and the bathroom, which is the basis of our house. my brother is spose to do the living room and dining room areas but NO he never does that so i end up having to do it. it makes me want to scream. but right now it would hurt to even talk.

ok so another whinney entry lol. it made me feel a little better, although i wish i had caught bob this morning so i could talk to him. bot oh well i guess? i should hear from him tonight. tomorrow im going to the zoo with sara, but only if i feel better, because right now i feel like the left side of my throat is going to explode. i need my mother to take me to the doctor, badly, so maybe i can get some sleep! ugh! well im gunna do god knows what until she gets up. have a nice day everyone :)